A collection of errant thoughts that sped through my mind as I watched the final episode of the CW’s Riverdale. Spoilers ahead:
I knew it wasn’t just the maple! That sweet sticky maple. The maple storage barn was a trap house. Clifford Blossom of all people was a drug lord. Never trust a man that openly displays his lace fronts in a lit display.
Mrs. Cooper and Jughead need to form their own sleuthing team.
#FreeFP…even though he kidnapped a minor and then tied him up in a basement with the intent to hold the kid for ransom.
FP Jones ain’t no snitch.
Uh-oh. Betty’s digging her nails into her palms again. Betty is about to snap again. I would too if my parents were acting normal when Polly Ann and her incest twins were sitting across the breakfast table. Dark Betty shall return.
#HiramHomecoming. So much pressure has been put on his return to Riverdale from prison. I hope they never show his face. Just shoot all his scenes next season from the shoulders down. Or conveniently block his face with odd props Home Improvement style.
I’m gonna need Veronica and Archie to calm down. No one cares about your relationship that much. *Veronica gets up to make grandiose speech* *Archie interjects with some simplified BS*: “We kissed a couple times” Yep, this is it. That’s both of them in a nutshell.
Betty has her own man and her own problems. Stop making everything about you Archie. He seems a little dissatisfied hm?
Josie yesss. This teal is a look with the snatched high pony.
Cheryl giving up the Vixens?? The world is shook. I’m worried about her, she needs to be under 24 hour supervision.
Don’t take my baby. LEAVE JUGHEAD ALONE. The foster system can’t have him.
I know FP ain’t no snitch but…you just gonna choose the Serpents over Juggy like that?
Oh lawdy lawd they sent the lynch mob on Betty. Betty has no fear, look in her eyes, she’s ready to jump off the edge. She told her mom ‘less go’. Her mom is a whole Serpent. She tried to put her snake days behind.
Cheryl is literally trapped in a murder house. Someone help the poor girl.
I was really hoping it turned out Betty’s mom was a Southside Serpent or dated one. BUT plot twist, the Coopers had a son *cries* Someone find him. I shall call him Bobby, Bobby Cooper.
Can we get a spin off show with Jughead at Southside High? What is this alternative reality where people that laugh at his jokes. Like knee slapping, doubling over and everything. There’s nothing worse than your peppy friends coming to save you from your new rough and tumble squad. Also who let these random group of teenagers just walk up in this school?
So y’all all just gonna die to save Cheryl huh? I guess we’re all going out today.
God bless Archie, he finally did something right. I hope that wasn’t the hand Archie uses to play his guitar. Guess he won’t be playing the Jubilee celebration.
I was hoping Covergirl would go out with a super obvious bang. A little mascara plug is fine I guess.
Just let Bughead live. Stop trying to break them up. This young star-crossed love is forever.
Melanie is still giving Archie the side eye. Melanie never forgets.
Betty is about to get up on the mic and start clowning. She is about to read the whole town.
OH LWAD SHE GONE BURN THE MANSION DWWN. CHERYL NOOO–
HEloVES HER. Juggy loves Betty. I love y’all, too. I cry I cry I cry…how dare this show interrupt my ship with another ship I merely tolerate. You really just took that moment from me. I am appalled. AND then interrupt again with this touchy Southside Serpent—OH HEYYY YASSS Juggy in this Serpent jacket is the air I breathe. You wear that hawt damn.
POPS NOOO. Let the black man live in peace. He just wants to sell Chock Lit Shakes. OHMIGAWD what is happening!?? This can’t be happening. Nooot Fred. So we’re gonna start the season dropping bodies and end it dropping bodies. No kind of reprieve. That’s cool.
The beginning of the episode, which principally works to reorient us, goes by fairly quickly. In fact, the editing seems a bit choppy and the scenes rushed. Some time has passed between the chaotic events of the prior episode and the finale. And, instead of everything wrapping up nice and clean now that the murderer has been revealed, situations for some of the characters have become less clear. Cheryl Blossom has completely flown the cuckoo’s nest. Archie–despite all his soulmate sweet talk–seems to be second guessing his feelings. Jughead’s place among the Serpents has been seemingly cemented but will the physical distance imposed through his new living situation wreak havoc on his relationships? Is Fred Andrews dead after taking a bullet?
My dedication to watching this show from week to week has left me with several gripes and itches that need scratching. Basically, my hopes for the second season entail less Archie, or at least making him less insufferable. He is one of the least interesting characters and the show is adapted from his comics. How does that work? I also hope Kevin develops into a real character. I pray the third member of the Pussycats gets a speaking line–sometimes I wonder if she’s even real or did I just imagine her. In fact, can all of the Pussycats not be completely sidelined next season? I understand murder and intrigue and all that but a little more attention to them wouldn’t hurt.
And shoutout to Asian Dudebro Reggie (Ross Butler) for finessing a better deal on a more popular show. Now he plays a more nuanced Dudebro on Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why. Gone but not forgotten.